Part 4: Why? My expectations are destroying me.

In the last week, I have realized that the beliefs I created before even meeting my daughter caused me to parent from a place of fear instead of love while placing a significant strain on my relationships. I have been repressing anger and many other intense emotions that are now finding a way to express themselves since I have allowed them no outlet. Now what?

In my first post, I stated that I felt so lost and disconnected from myself. But, if I am honest, I have been lost for a very long time, way before motherhood and pregnancy.

A while ago, I did an RTT session (hypnosis) on blocks to abundance and my life purpose. During the hypnosis, I was told to go back to a scene from childhood that would show me what my passion was in this lifetime. Of all things, it took me back to a Saturday morning at Skate World. I was skating around the rink in a ridiculous skirt that made me feel like an Olympic ice skater, and the Spice Girls were playing. The therapist asked my subconscious why we went back to this particular scene. I responded that I was free, I wasn’t worried about anything, and I was in the moment feeling joyful.

Next, the therapist told my subconscious to take us to a scene in the future where I was fulfilling my life’s purpose. Immediately, I was in a field in a white dress, looking up at the blue sky, feeling joyful and free.

Before the hypnosis, the therapist had listed examples of previous clients being shown they were meant to work at the UN, join the military, and become a health coach. After my session, I was initially confused and disappointed with my past and future scenes. I felt like I had no more clarity as to why I am here on Earth at this point than I did before the session. But upon further reflection, I became grateful that I wasn’t shown a specific path that I needed to follow, but that my purpose in life is really everyone’s purpose and desire in life: to be in the present moment, which is a place of joy and freedom.

After realizing this, though, I also became overwhelmed. Even as a child, I was extremely anxious and worried. My parent’s relationship was toxic, and my father was an angry and controlling man. Yet, I loved roller-skating so much because it was one of the few activities that took all of my attention, and I truly was absorbed in the present moment. I struggled to think of a time in my teenage and adult years where I had the same emotional experience back in the day at Skate World.

I realized I had spent most of my life absorbed in the past or future, in a state of depression or anxiety, instead of in the present moment, which is the only place freedom and joy reside. At this present moment, I no longer know how to maintain a feeling of freedom and joy for more than a few seconds before a negative thought or emotion comes rolling in.

So why have I spent so much of my life absorbed with the past, which no longer exists, and the future, which has yet to be determined? Why have I allowed my dominant emotions to be depression and anxiety?

The general answer is because that is how we have been trained to operate in society. We love to focus on what has happened: history, news, social media, etc. As a result, it is easy to become depressed focusing on the past and what was: dead loved ones, past relationships, when you were younger or healthier, etc.

In addition, we place our happiness in layaway. We claim we will be happy in the future when something magical occurs, such as a new job or promotion, finding the love of our life, getting out of debt or becoming wealthy, etc. So since our happiness is contingent on a future event, we become anxious about the future outcome.

But really, why have I personally spent so much of my life absorbed with things I can’t control?

It all comes back to my unrealistic expectations and limiting beliefs. The same issues I have had with motherhood are from the same root causes as all my life’s perceived problems.

After spending the last week honestly reflecting on my life and writing my thoughts and feelings down on paper, I can say that I didn't realize that my expectations were unrealistic and that my beliefs were limiting me. Certain thoughts or beliefs I have had for years never sounded crazy in my head, but I realized they are literally insane when I wrote them out.

So I dedicate this site to calling out the bullsh*t, discovering my truth, owning who I am, and allowing others to do the same.

I am scared, nervous, insecure, and incredibly vulnerable, but I also feel more alive and free than I have in a very long time. I am reviving Rebekah, and there is no turning back.